Patience

When I was little, I used to hate when my mom would tell me, “just be patient.” Mostly because being patient sucks. Also because I am a sucker for instant gratification. We’d be standing in a long line and I’d start fidgeting, “just be patient,” she’d whisper. We’d be sitting at the doctors office and I’d start to whine, “just be patient,” she’d huff. As I’ve gotten older, if anything my minimal patience has grown ever shorter. I can hardly sit through a red light, stand in a grocery store check-out line or wait the 10 minutes for my iPhone to download the latest update without rolling my eyes or weight shifting back and forth from foot to foot. I am not a patient person and I probably never will be. I feel like this may be one of the reasons I have such a hard time being single and why I hate it SO MUCH when people tell me, “it’s going to happen, you just have to be patient.” I CAN’T, I want to scream at them. I DON’T HAVE ANY.

This weekend was hard for me. I spent the majority of it around couples who are now married and completely forget what it was like to be (completely) single and feeling hopeless about finding someone. I tried not to feel jealous as they kissed and showed affection, made inside jokes and talked about going home and napping together. But honestly, I was envious. Envious that they have already found their person, their happiness. It makes me wonder what they have that I don’t. What personal flaws I might have that have delayed my happiness. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I take being single personally. As if some character flaw has prevented me from finding someone. I called my sister when I got home and told her how I was feeling and she sighed. “Ash, you’re going to find someone. You have to stop trying so hard. Stop looking for it,” she said. “Please, please, don’t tell me to be patient,” I replied to her. “Ok, I won’t,” she said, “but you do need to realize that although it may not have to do with patience, it has everything to do with timing.” I thought that was stupid until a few hours after I had hung up and was replaying our conversation in my head (over peanut butter). My sister was exactly right. It’s less about being patient and more about understanding that the timing of it all has to be right. That I may be the most patient or least patient person in the world, but if I’m not ready or he’s not ready for a relationship, it won’t happen. I’m a firm believer that God puts people in our lives when and where they are meant to be. Some to teach us what we don’t want, some to teach us what we do. It’s just ironic to me that someone who has such little patience is having to wait so long to find the right person. But maybe because I’m having to wait longer than I’d like to find the right someone, I’ll appreciate him even more when I do. Maybe when I finally meet him, I’ll understand what took him so damn long. Until then, I’ll be here (im)patiently waiting.

quiet

So, as uplifting as I try to remain being single, sometimes reality gets the best of me and I throw myself a big ole’ pity party. Do you know what I’ve been struggling with mostly? The quiet. It’s in the moments between dinner and bed, between the gym and the shower, between the lying in bed and falling asleep that I find it the hardest. It’s in the quiet of those moments that my mind wanders to dangerous places and I begin to play the what-if game. I find myself teetering dangerously on the edge of self-pity and jealousy when I’m left alone with myself for too long. But what I’ve come to understand is that this is most likely a problem with my self image and self esteem. I have to learn to be okay with who I am at all times, during the loudness and during the silence.

Recently, I was dating a guy who I was really attracted to. He had a good job, a nice body (real nice), came from a good family. But a month or so into our relationship he brought up the fact that he does not support gay marriage and thinks that gay people are “gross”. He told me if I did not feel the same way, we would be unable to continue with this relationship because he did not want a wife or a partner who did not see eye-to-eye with him on this issue. I know what you’re thinking, people actually still think this way in 2017? And yes, there are still ignorant, close-minded people who use their religion as an excuse for intolerance. And so here I sat, battling the desire to be with someone who I really liked versus staying true to who I am and what I believe as a person (which is that love is love is love, friends.) So, ultimately we went our separate ways and I knew it was the right decision. But I still struggle with the loneliness of it all. The loss of it. Heartbreak never gets easier, does it? But this is the truth- I am a catch and if he didn’t see that, then this never would have worked out anyway. I have to have enough self-respect and self-love that I am able to walk away from something good for something better. The quiet doesn’t get any less lonely but I’m learning to find the beauty in the silence. Because if I am only able to bear who I am in the light, how will I ever get out of the darkness?