So, as uplifting as I try to remain being single, sometimes reality gets the best of me and I throw myself a big ole’ pity party. Do you know what I’ve been struggling with mostly? The quiet. It’s in the moments between dinner and bed, between the gym and the shower, between the lying in bed and falling asleep that I find it the hardest. It’s in the quiet of those moments that my mind wanders to dangerous places and I begin to play the what-if game. I find myself teetering dangerously on the edge of self-pity and jealousy when I’m left alone with myself for too long. But what I’ve come to understand is that this is most likely a problem with my self image and self esteem. I have to learn to be okay with who I am at all times, during the loudness and during the silence.
Recently, I was dating a guy who I was really attracted to. He had a good job, a nice body (real nice), came from a good family. But a month or so into our relationship he brought up the fact that he does not support gay marriage and thinks that gay people are “gross”. He told me if I did not feel the same way, we would be unable to continue with this relationship because he did not want a wife or a partner who did not see eye-to-eye with him on this issue. I know what you’re thinking, people actually still think this way in 2017? And yes, there are still ignorant, close-minded people who use their religion as an excuse for intolerance. And so here I sat, battling the desire to be with someone who I really liked versus staying true to who I am and what I believe as a person (which is that love is love is love, friends.) So, ultimately we went our separate ways and I knew it was the right decision. But I still struggle with the loneliness of it all. The loss of it. Heartbreak never gets easier, does it? But this is the truth- I am a catch and if he didn’t see that, then this never would have worked out anyway. I have to have enough self-respect and self-love that I am able to walk away from something good for something better. The quiet doesn’t get any less lonely but I’m learning to find the beauty in the silence. Because if I am only able to bear who I am in the light, how will I ever get out of the darkness?